The Dark Side of Love. The Female Shadow is a Controversial Issue, Part II

Table of Contents

The feminist movement has won many rights for women, and nowadays women play a greater role in society. In the process, everything feminine is seen in an unquestioningly positive light. However, there is a dark side that has not been discussed yet. Men are coming under increasing pressure. Emotional abuse and withdrawal of love, scheming and female ego are discussed here by a woman.

Part I you can find here.

Some women also tell men that they cannot have children, or that as a woman they can feel when they are in their fertile phase (which is quite possible). If this type of manipulation does not work, another option is to make the condoms unusable as a precaution by skillfully piercing the condom wrapper. Through the seemingly unwanted pregnancy, the woman can bind the man to her through the child. When women give birth to children, it is not uncommon for all their love to flow from their partner to the child. They now have a being that gives them all of their unconditional love and admiration. With the child, they do not have to work on their emotional dark sides or character flaws, if any. Their active heart pole is satisfied, the passive sexual pole can be easily suppressed. The partner feels emotionally and sexually deprived by such behavior. This is the difference between man and woman. The sexual pole is passive in the woman and therefore easy to suppress if she has not yet faced this aspect of life. Through the child she has the opportunity to use her active pole and she is happy. Men often don’t have this natural bond with the child and have to create it first – if the woman lets them. When the man then goes to another woman, he is often quickly seen as a cheater. No one normally asks or investigates how this came about ( often not even the man himself). It remains to be said that the female pole – at least at first glance – can do less harm than the male pole. The tragic stories of unwanted sexual experiences or rape are probably familiar to everyone. Almost every week, the news reports a rape in some country of the world. But who reports about men who are victims of sexual assault? I’m not sure that sexual assault or abuse is any less tragic than emotional assault. Maybe it’s just not talked about enough. The psychotherapist Hans-Joachim Maaz, for example, speaks of “mother poisoning” as the behavior of a mother who loves her child, but only as long as the child behaves as she wants – otherwise she threatens to withdraw her love. Such abuse in early childhood can lead to severe personality disorders such as narcissism, borderline, and/or codependency.[1] It is often forgotten that men are usually raised by women.

blue and orange colours
The Harbinger of Autumn (1922) by Paul Klee. Original from Yale University Art Gallery. Digitally enhanced by rawpixel.

Psychologically, overprotection of a child has more serious consequences than neglect. A neglected child quickly learns that it must take care of itself or that no one will take care of it. It is forced to act, even to make mistakes, and to find its own way. An overprotected child becomes so emotionally and energy consuming that he has no room to go his own way and try things out. There is always an overbearing person (the mother – of course this can also be educators, teachers or other important caregivers) around to anticipate mistakes and intervene – but the child cannot experience this – not from mistakes, nor from successes. Such people are usually afraid of life even as adults and do not dare to take a step in any direction.

Women can usually use their active pole without fear of punishment, even if they are in a relationship. They can interact with their children, but also with male and female friends. There is healthy emotional exchange between friends, men and women, and also in parent-child relationships, i.e. not all emotional exchange is unhealthy – but the problem is that the unhealthy aspects are still not addressed enough. It is interesting to note in this context that so-called “cheating” is only mentioned when it is a sexual act. A conversation, i.e. a mental exchange, which can also be a “synergetic energy exchange” (SEX), is not yet considered reprehensible, at least in our culture. The body and sexuality have been considered an obstacle to spiritual growth in all spiritual traditions. Presumably, the established rules were correct and relevant in their time, and the moral codes for sexuality were a necessary protection. Therefore, we can acknowledge and value them even as we recognize that they no longer serve us and that we need new standards today. After millennia of denial and repression of the body, I think it is necessary today to integrate it in a new and healthy way.

A woman’s active pole is not only noticeable to men, but also to other women – especially in the workplace. In a study, Israeli researchers investigated how a person’s attractiveness affects job opportunities. They sent out 5000 applications for advertised positions, once with a photo of an attractive woman or man, once without a photo, and once with an average face. The results are interesting. For men, good looks pay off in the workplace; women fall behind. The reason is that recruiters, who are often women, see attractive women as competition.[2]

When a woman arrives at a new job, she immediately notices how her colleagues react. If the woman is seen as a competitor, the game begins. A female supervisor, for example, will inevitably use her higher position to discredit the other woman. She will hardly look at her own abilities. She will take the woman’s knowledge and skills, but use them for herself. The new woman has no way to develop her potential in such a hierarchy. She will be pushed to her natural limits by salary and position or by an unreasonable workload. To be able to classify negative feelings and emotional dependencies, one must be anchored in one’s feelings.

a pink flower
Blossoming (1934) painting in high resolution by Paul Klee. Original from the Kunstmuseum Basel Museum. Digitally enhanced by rawpixel.

The issue of men and women having different needs can also arise in a male-female friendship. For a man, feelings of love can often lead more quickly to sexual needs. If the woman feels the same way about the man, it is not a problem. But if she does not and he does, it is not always easy to find a solution. Both need to be understood in this situation and there is never a prescribed solution. At best, there is an opportunity to talk and find a way that is acceptable to both. It is important to distinguish between friendship and love. It is not that men do not have feelings, but the polarity is different. For example, a woman should ask herself if her feelings are coming from friendship or love.

If she has feelings of love for a man but no desire for sex, this may indicate suppression of sexuality. That is, she enters into a relationship or marriage with a man but does not want a sex life. She then satisfies her active pole, as described above, through other unhealthy forms of relationships. By demanding an asexual relationship from the man and denigrating sexuality, she manipulatively exploits the moral harmlessness of the heart level to her advantage.

Feelings of friendship are on a different heart level frequency than feelings of love. Therefore, they are different degrees. The measure of degree is not a category of the mind, but a category of the heart. It is also important to distinguish between soul love and ego love: ego and self. Only by knowing the difference can I determine whether I am hurt or offended (see my article about The Higher Insight of the Heart). For example, a man can easily feel hurt when he is sexually rejected. He needs to ask himself if the real hurt is a disposition on the emotional level and if his sexuality is unhealthily polarized, i.e., he is using sexuality as a compensation for his emotional needs. A woman can easily feel hurt when she is emotionally rejected. She needs to ask herself if the real hurt is not a disposition on the sexual level and her emotions are unhealthily polarized, i.e., she is using the feelings of friendship to compensate for her sexual needs.

In my opinion, the following rule of thumb applies: If I am in love with someone and my love is not reciprocated, and I am deeply hurt (emotionally or sexually), then I should carefully consider whether or not this is due to my own personality. Of course, this assumes that the person who rejected me did not play an emotional dependency game with me. An important distinction here is between selfish love and emotional love. In selfish love, men tend to fall in love with a woman’s beauty and youth. In women, this selfish form of love is usually due to the man’s status and money. In this case, however, the other person is not loved, but one’s own emotional or sexual disposition is masked by projections onto the appropriate person. It is generally considered normal that after the initial emotional highs, love fails to materialize and life returns to normal. However, this is because the supposed love was built on a false foundation. True love is an expression of the soul, it is always there, but it may occur less often in a person’s life. True love is between two people. The so-called “unhappy” love may not always be there, but it is often a part of the ego and points to one’s own false beliefs. Of course, it is also possible for one side to deny love – for example, out of fear – and this causes great suffering. However, selfish love and the projection of desires are probably more common.

One thing is very close to my heart: I am writing this article to shed some light on the darkness of gender relations. Since the “male shadow” has been widely discussed in public, I will focus on the “female shadow”. However, this does not mean that women are solely responsible for everything and that every emotional expression of love by a woman is interpreted as an emotional assault. If the male and female shadows are conscious, it is rather a matter of looking at the problem multi-dimensionally and including all essential elements in the search for truth. A man who lives his sexuality with integrity will be less likely to respond sexually to other women in the same way. Likewise, a woman who integrates her emotions will not immediately become emotionally attached to every man.

It is not possible to present all facets of the problem in this article. It should be noted that the different roles of the active and passive poles in men and women imply a different logic and that it is not possible to draw conclusions from the active pole of women to the active pole of men or vice versa. What is needed here is a multi-valued logic and a contextually different way of looking at things. The logic of the heart is its own logic. The logic of sexuality is its own logic. They work together and are interrelated. But in order to understand them, you have to look at them separately. There is a danger of mixing these levels and drawing conclusions about the other based on the logic of one. In the case studies listed the effects of the woman’s negative heart forces show up in various forms of emotional dependency games. They overshadow the underlying love force of the woman. In order to heal, it is necessary to address the wounds that lie in sexuality on the one hand and on the soul level on the other.

painted face with red eyes
Senecio (Baldgreis) (1922) painting in high resolution by Paul Klee. Original from the Kunstmuseum Basel Museum. Digitally enhanced by rawpixel.


This is Part II, Part I you can find here.

This article is translated from the German Original by Lynn Taylor, German Version: “Die dunkle Seite der Liebe”

[1] »Better poor than happy” Anja Reich and Katharina Sperber in conversation with psychotherapist Maaz about narcissism. 07/20/2012 Peut-maaz-about-narcissism-“Lieber-arm-und-gluecklich-sein-“,10809156,16663138.html

[2] Verena Töpper: Beautiful women better not send a photo. 10.04.2012

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